A question I have asked myself over the years when I found myself in a relationship. A relationship which I wouldn’t describe as dubious but one which nevertheless made me think. When you are a 30 year old woman and yet to walk down the aisle its interesting how the whole world seems to give you suggestions on whats good for you in terms of a man of course. Unless you are a strong woman; mentally , you will find yourself gravitating towards what the world offers on silver platter which if you were to look closely at is wooden.
What will you give up to get married? Your values? Your faith? Your dreams? Your aspirations? Your identity?
Here’s a fictional scenario.
Meet Dinah, she’s 31. Never married, no children, no abortions. She works at an insurance company which pays her well for her to buy a car and start a Masters degree. She is the last born of three siblings in her family and the eldest just got engaged to an American man. She loves singing and is the lead singer in the church choir. The Sunday School kids love to hear her read Bible stories as she animates each story to their delight. She really wants to start a small business in cupcakes.
She gets teased by her siblings on getting into a relationship soon. She knows they tease in jest but nevertheless when she lies down at night she cant help but question if a man will come her way soon. A prayer topic.
Then she meets a man with whom she is deeply attracted to! He is wonderful! He has his car, his own place and works at a good company. Talk about security! They go out on several movie dates, dinner dates, ice-cream dates, beach dates and all kinds of dates.
Her family notices this young man and her parents already call him ‘our in-law’ behind his back.
Dinah however starts noticing things about him. He has zero faith in God. His parents, staunch Christians often ask Dinah to encourage him to go. Then there was a thing about his drinking which she couldn’t quite put a finger to. She asks him about it and he says its once in awhile. But one night he calls her after a night out with his buddies and his slurred voice sent shivers down her spine. When she asked him if he’s been drinking, he shouts down the line. It happens a few times. A few times they have arguments, he shouts the roof down. On one occasion it ends with his fist in her face. He laughed at her when she showed him her business plan and called her ‘too busy’. His friends. They were either drinking or drunk.
Six months down the line and nothing much has changed. But he expresses his desire to marry her. Dinah starts wondering about the little things she has seen and cant help but to think of the effect on their ‘marriage’ if they were ever to.
She asks herself, ‘Can I marry a man who doesn’t share my faith?’ ‘I have always wanted a family built on the foundation of Christ. Can this happen?’ ‘Will he pray with me?’ ‘Will I have to go to worship at church alone?’ ‘Can I handle his drinking habits?’
These are questions Dinah continues to ask herself. She knows for sure that the step she takes into marriage is for life. Should she close her eyes to the little things and focus on a one day ceremony which could lead to bigger worse things?
This story is fictional but is one many women have faced at one point in their lives. I have been in similar situations but left because I knew the challenges ahead would be more than I could handle and leaving now will be better than having to deal with a pending divorce in court.
Do we as women rush into marriage and leave behind what really matters to us in terms of our values, principles just to be called Mrs? Do we sacrifice our dreams for a ring on a finger? Or we do consider the kind of man we are marrying before saying yes? Is he supportive your gifts and talents? No its not an easy decision to make.
Can we take a moment and think? Think about what we want in a man and not just jump at any man in trousers. You are 30 and so what? If your biological clock is ticking, take the batteries out then. Every decision has consequences and some endings are quite painful or delightful. Which would you choose?
Here’s an interesting article a woman wrote about 7 things I had known before getting married.
Did you ever give up on a dream, values, hope just to get married?